Innocuous

A Rose as ugly as you may never see the light of day
A rose as rotten as you may never see my light
Thou shall not be a rose if a rose is neither you 
You are a rose in name only

Beauty is taken away from you.
My love is tied to you.
You are as ugly as you are beautiful

So just had another episode, or this may be your first. It's time to take a step back, the first thing you need to know don't dwell on the past. Yeah, you painted the walls with mayonnaise and you walked into the Olive Garden thinking you're famous or maybe you had a horrible time and everything that you stood for got shaken into another world. After all, you weren’t in reality.

Here is a bit of history for you, back in the Victorian times, Psychiatrist were called alienist because they thought mental illness had alienated you from yourself.

In the spirit of keeping things historical, Your Psychosis wasn't you, it was your alien. You didn't do that your alien did that. You have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot change being mentally ill. The disorder exists within you. It has done and it will always be there in some way or another.

Psychosis isn't a personality disorder, You can't have therapy for this, Anxiety you just take medication but for people with psychosis or psychotics medication doesn't always work and sometimes it doesn't work in time.

Recognise the signs and symptoms

It's always good to recognise that it is coming, for example, mine is the feeling of the brain or what I call the ‘mist’. It's always good to acknowledge these things and sometimes you know it's coming and that's the worst part because you can't do much about it. Even the medication doesn't always work in time. I have brief psychotic disorder, which is a type of Schizophrenia. I tell my friends around me and the people that love me the second sign, which is dreams or a delusion that I call ‘Boo’. This helps normalise it to them and it helps to understand when I talk about Boo and all these other things that are odd. That they have some comprehension that they can help even if it is just getting me the help I need at that point in time.

Blaming the Alien and not myself

Okay, I do embarrassing things in my episodes. But that wasn't me that was my alien. Because at that point in time I didn't meet the criteria to be to capably understand what I was doing. In fact, I wasn't in your world I was in my own world. And that wasn't me that did all these things, in your world, it was the alien.

What I'm trying to explain is you can't blame yourself for your actions when you're not mentally there. You're too ill to be there. Your actions and not of your own. I've lost friends over being unwell, and that really hurts because I love those people but the alien push them away and I have no control over what the alien does. I have control over recognising that alien and I can prevent the alien from showing up, by taking my medication and looking after myself.

Dear Diary,
I am so upset in my life. It’s only been a year since I made this deal and yet everything I’ve dreamt of has made me so upset. I dreamed of beauty, and they stowed it upon me; I dreamed of love and to be cherished, again this was given to me. I wished for a fantastic career, and yet again they found my job to be as exciting as a baby discovering the unknown world that they’ve been born into.

I do not want to seem ungrateful Diary but please take back these gifts you’ve given me. The beauty that I appeared so to desire, people no longer see my personality; they are just taken with my looks. The loved one that you bestowed upon me is scaring me. He loves me Solely for my looks; he does whatever I say; however; I wanted someone to talk to, keep me company, explain things to me and understand me; he doesn’t. Instead, he bends the knee and agrees with all that I say, even the most stupid of things. I wanted an intellectual conversation to stimulate my mind. Instead, I got nothing but a back-end of a donkey. I wanted a fantastic career, and it is just that… to others. To me, I have to deal with the difficulties of things I could never imagine. I can only think of the mundane Monday that people experience. The new field that I work is incredible, and the findings of my research are just inspiring.

Let’s deal with something for me. Something to challenge me. Something to change me. My dreams have never been more fulfilled, and yet I have nothing to reach for. I want the world around me to just implode, For the simple fact that I do not want to live anymore in this reality. Sometimes I go for drives in the never pleasurable anymore. The phone call to interrupt me is always something to do with work. And work is… is well it’s exciting, but it’s not what I’ve been looking for. it Is exciting for others, diary. It’s exciting to watch, and It’s creating a ster. I’m not the coffee cup though, I’m the stick, and the research that I find pushes me to want to quit. The psychology of people, the psychopathology of daily life. The media which we interact with. We have so much in common, yet we are so far apart. The cogs of the wheel of personality and facets that create that cog, making us so complicated. Maybe I enjoy my job… no, no, I do not. I am seen for my looks, and not my achievement, I am recognised for the trials of my career, not for my research. My husband is forever doting, but never truly there.

I shouldn’t have made the wishes I did. I should have wished for something less permanent, like ice cream on a hot summers day. Even then, I would have been given a problem. They say you can’t wish your questions away. There isn’t just a problem with wishing them away; there is a problem with having the wish. The cake always looks better than it tastes and in this case diary, the cake tasted horrid. The friends that once embraced me, now won’t talk to me, because they believe that I’m living in the fast lane. In truth, I’m barely living.

Your obsessive trait.
Is what sometimes makes you great
A mirror your weapon 
Your driving not great
Ops, another mistake
There goes that person’s gate

People crossing is a chore
BEEP BEEP
and I’m yours 
Bouncing off my car
There goes another child
I must admit I’m wild

Now my mirror is filled with blue
I really am through
Behind bars
On a water fast

Clearly not my fault
Being brought to court
The judge is a sort
Reading how I plead
Me getting on my knees
Begging to be free

I’m off again now, people my new surround-sound
Bars of the door, showing teeth marks galore
I wish I wasn’t poor
So I could have paid the bail,
Instead, I'm asking for the pail

You turned away from me.
And all of a sudden the world changed.
My life is not the same.
Wifi in the sky, connected to on the fly.
Techno boom, what is really true.
You thought it all through.

So much has changed, my life insane
Time is of the essence, so much to be done
we no longer need to run
it’s never quiet because of ongoing triumph

Ever so changed, in the way we display
Marketing tools, at fingertips 
Visual impairment, no longer to be stared at.
Our very instinct now is to follow the crowd
Our basic tools replaced and handed to fools
Can no longer use them as they bring confusion
Because they are not LED-lit, or bright with resolution.

But it's all has a price,
and we didn’t think twice
You're now “running out”
People shout
I’m not done with you yet
Yet you are done with us
What will happen is a great confusion 
It’ll be more than an intrusion 
What is clear
We will disappear.

If I smile for you, will you wake?
If I cry for you, will you tell me this is all a mistake?
If I stop you, will you hold my hand?
Suicide is the plan

I sit here dreaming of what could have been
What will you say to me?
Is this all a dream?
Will you ever know what you mean to me?

If you look for this idea,
You will forever find it clear
As looking into a mirror
You will find the terror
Not what you see
but that which you believe

What little did I know, 
you make quite the show,
One of a connection,
Another in my direction,

What little did I know,
I find you now brittle and broken,
Repugnant and open,
It's something of a token,
To show your not well-spoken,
In the art of reproach,

What little did I know,
That you lazily crave those of whom do not path the way,
Art is a science of the mind, created by those who are divine,
You look for those who are mistaken, you may only get taken for a ride,
I see how you do, and I want you to improve,
This eye is trained for clues,
If you could see inside my head, your disapproval would be your undo

Creating a movement of what can only be called an improvement,
However, you are not refined, practice takes time.
You are going to make a motion, it may not rock the ocean,
But in time you will become divine.

Your mouthpiece of manipulation

Tangled in your own dictation
Thrust into literation
Your literation will be mistaken
As an act of great exaltation
In the way it is mistaken

If you were sharper, you’d have more creation
It is not me, but your maker
That angers you and puts you into this alteration
Loving you is hard to do
The words don’t stop and neither do you
You are taken with your own dilation
On my very creation
why was I awakened to deal with this mistakenness

Tight bodied and cream of the crop
does nothing but make your jaw drop
If I was one of you I’d make a pit stop,
to show off what I got 
You want to find a top
Well, you might find a lot
Doesn’t matter what you got
Twinks and otters, drag queens in totters
We got the lot

Look at the way we dance
We’ll put you in a trance 
Pulling together, getting wet whenever
You’ll think you're in France
by the way we prance

Formication is a psychosis where the person experiences tactile hallucinations. These tactile hallucinations take place on the body in the form of bugs. This psychosis is unique and can lead to delusions, where the person believes that they have been infected with insects.

I have these experiences; they’re very distressing to me. It’s not just that you feel an insect crawling across you. It’s also the belief these insects can hurt you. Maybe they’ll be crawling in your ears; perhaps they’re crawling in your heart. If you google formication, you will find heaps of people asking why they are experiencing these hallucinations, and the answer is usually anxiety. They should check these feelings out by with the GP and any scratches that the problem has caused you.

Psychosis
If you want to know what psychosis is click here. However, if you would like to know more about psychosis and how to deal with experiences of psychotic episodes click here.

What to do when you are experiencing formication
The best thing to do is to focus on something else, just like hearing voices, these are hallucinations. However, if sleeping is the problem, doing five senses will probably prolong the experience which you can find here. Try to focus on something you love in your head, imagine cuddling it and feel its warmth and touch against your body. Smile as you do this, and you will feel a little better too. Think of all the times you are together and experience those feelings, wants and needs.

Formication usually is brief and happens at the early stage of night when you’re trying to sleep. This type, although distressing rarely leads to anything more than a few scratches. The problem that most people find is that there is nothing that can be done about this. It’s true, there isn’t anything that can be done, and this is because the person experiencing these feelings believe it at the time of formication. So what we can do? Well, nothing, I can’t help you in that department. Usually, these experiences will go on their own, sometimes it’s a sign of something different, and then medication will need to be given for X, Y and Z. I will, however, give you a few tips.

Don’t scratch or slap away the bugs. This is because scratching damages your skin, over time, scratching can cause harm and hurt you. Formication can last for months even years, so the best thing to do is think twice before scratching yourself. Don’t put objects in places. Before I mentioned that I get mine crawling in my ears, well I put a pair of tweezers in my ear and perforated my eardrum. I can highly recommend not doing this. Putting objects in your body can cause harm to yourself, and won’t stop the problem, remember, it’s all in your head. Don’t cut holes in yourself to let the bugs have a way to get out. Self-mutilation is often a sign of a severe case of formication and usually that it’s gone further than anxiety. However, I understand the logic behind this, but it will not help, and the opening will get infected.

For more on mental health check out our medium page:

Always wanted to write about your experiences? Start here.

My feelings for you grow stronger
I can hide them no longer
A string between us
A line in the sand 
What I want from you I can’t have
If this was hunger, I would forever wonder 
When the fire falls from the clouds, a lighter is does not shine brighter
If I was one with you, you’d forever be hurting
If you lust for me. Trust in me 
The truth will set you free, For me, it brings heartbreak or you on your knees
A brisk walk and I’m yours, the love between us shows no rights
Your height is wrong, I want your dong
Picking you up, I see our eyes touch
You say you miss my cleft chin, but you never remember your own lies
I see what you like and think I’m not right
If you want this hand, you better be a better man.
Reality makes a pair, your heart is in the right place, just I despair
You make sense In my life just, not in the way we both think
A hand in the right place is, is what I feel. 
But our hands don’t connect.
Lust is luck with a few steps in the direction of love.